Cameron No More

 By Alan Wilkinson

You may have heard they are going to vote north of the Border about whether they’d be better off without the rest of the UK.

So? If it wasn’t for the oil who’d care?

That’s the only trouble. They’re swimming in oil. So they think they can go it alone.

But it’s the UK’s oil really, it just so happens they’re the nearest part of the UK to it.  The Scots didn’t make the stuff for Pete’s sake. It’s always been there-all the time we were in charge of Scotland - oil was there- waiting to be used when someone invented engines. If it had been 300 years ago there would be no argument it would have belonged to our King.

But now they have us over a barrel, an oil barrel.

Ok let’s look on the bright side just think what we could get rid of.

Scots get £12 MILLION extra from the exchequer. Why? It’s called bribery for staying in the UK, but they wouldn’t get that anymore.

And think what else we can get rid of…

Glasgow no more…

Midges no more…

Deep fried Mars bars no more…

Nessy no more…

Bagpipes no more…

No I can’t wait for Scotland to vote to separate itself from us

The Edinburgh Festival you say? That’s easy, the BBC can do our version, ‘The Edinburgh Festival in the Park’ with Matt Baker, Alex Jones and lots of UK comedians who daren’t offend the Beeb.

And the border, would be a real border. Border Controls just north of Hadrian’s Wall.  With a vast toll gate. Every Scot who entered England would be charged. No the Scots would not get off scot free

Hold on, I can hear you say. Hold on a wee Scottish minute. If we did that, they could do the same. Yes but more would be trying to come out than would want to be going into Scotland, wouldn’t they?

 As the situation escalated the Scots would commandeer Hadrian’s Wall which would take on a new sinister modern purpose. Keeping out the English and keeping in the Scots.

Give it ten years and it’ll be like North Korea and South Korea, those poor scots will be living in a desolate half-starved environment, living off haggis and whisky, swimming and washing in oil. That would teach them. Petrol, petrol everywhere: but not any proper food to eat. Just like Scotland now really.

While on our side of the wall there would be Free Nessy protestors walking up and down for the TV. And a land flowing with milk and honey.

So think on Scotland think hard before you vote for freedom from England

If you do goodbye to …to…

Cameron, no more,

Expensive student loans no more,

Greedy bankers no more

Wonga no more

The One show no more

Liberal Democrats no more

Hang on a minute I just have an urgent appointment …in Scotland… before the wall goes up …and I hate milk and honey too!