The Spa

First episode Saturday evening, then on Thursdays

By Alan Wilkinson

A ‘Sky Living’ comedy series, set in a Hertfordshire Spa that boasts it can cure anyone; the fat, the thin and the lazy. Created by Derren Litten clearly a name to forget.  The main character is Spa manager Alison played by the usually excellent Rebecca Friend-and I think she needs a friend on this one!.  She plays a character promoted to her level of incompetence and can only get away with it because her staff are equally incompetent, each in a supposedly memorable or funny way

When it started I thought, oh, this might be a sort of Britta’s Spa, with Alison an older female Mr Britta’s.

The Brittas Empire had plots and semi believable characters. Brittas was a classic comedy character who blind to his faults, believed his way was only way. Creating mayhem around him with the people around him who were stereotypically normal,

But, the Spa is just a string of near the knuckle cheap and easy postcard sketches In Spa all the characters wear an oddity on their sleeve and have a short sketch built round it

It starts in Allison’s office, an angry new clinically obese spa member has received a letter from the Spa, saying she is clinically a beast

Next to a fitness class run by an overweight man in a wheelchair, he has a class of fit ladies except for one fat exhausted lady who predictably collapses at the end of the scene.

Meanwhile Alison keeps ignoring the cleaner who wants to talk about something-important.

Alison then goes into the staff room and berates Eric the Spa handyman who has a big tool –which becomes obvious when he stands up yes it’s not subtle. She has had complaints about his tight overfilled shorts

His father, Eric tells us, was similarly endowed and his nickname was Moby

The cleaner comes in The Spa manager says not now

Eric says to Rose “you’ll not believe this Iva just been –chastised by a woman for having a big nob what’s the world coming too cos I don’t know?”

Next scene Alison behind her desk a voice comes from under the desk

“Quite dark in here, I can’t see anything Thing is it’s such a small hole there a build-up of dust from it not being used.”

Alison replies “I’ve definitely shoved things in there this year.”

Then Eric stands up he was talking about a jammed drawer beneath counter, as he stands up and Alison’s secretary Sally comes in and his eel drops out of his shorts!

Sally interrupts Alison

“Alison, Rose is on the roof.”

“What do you mean?”

“The top part of the building.“

Rose is threatening to throw herself off the roof –her best friend died last Monday And shed tried to get Friday off for the funeral but Alison had been too busy, to speak to her.

Somebody puts a player on in car to relax Alice. Its Kate Bush’s “Don’t give up.”

Then  Alison says, “Everyone back inside it’s  the only way to calm the situation and I’ve got things to do” They go in The music changes to “Jump” And Alice jumps landing in a bush.

That’s pretty much it, It’s rubbish. Alison doesn’t help by regularly saying-as one unfunny incident follows an unbelievable one. “This is ridiculous,” or, ”This is unbelievable,” she just echoes what we’re thinking.

At the end I hoped she’d say ”This is so bad I’m outta here,” and walk off set Pythonesque style. She didn’t and unfortunately it’ll be back next Thursday.

Why did Rebecca sign up for this? Was it money or was she drunk?

There’s one good thing about the next episode, it just couldn’t be worse. Could it? Maybe watch it and see!